Update

Mental: I'd been seeing a temporary therapist since I got the cancer diagnosis. She's nice, but very formulaic and not someone I really wanted long term. I need someone who seems actually interested in me and my issues to be able to really dig into the old stuff I carry around. So at my last visit, we agreed that I would wait for the new therapist coming on at the mental health center. One should be hired by the end of the month. One of my problems is that when I find someone who understands chronic pain, their own pain gets to them and they have to stop.

I saw the meds NP last week for my usual appointment; He asked what my depression level was on a scale from 1-10. I said 5. He thought that was a terribly high level. I told him I was functional and could accomplish most of what I needed to do, just like when my pain is at a 5. He finally accepted that for me, that was a good level. Honestly, I've had depression for so long I don't know what it would be like to be free of it. I can function and enjoy myself, but I know that the depression is right there, right under the surface. Maybe that makes it a 3 instead of a 5? Those scales are so arbitrary.

Physical: My hair is thinning noticeably, according to my stylist. This was the first time he saw me since before the surgery; I hope the hair recovers somewhat. I am a bit vain about my hair, and if I keep losing it will probably switch to wigs rather than run around with sparse hair. I'm fairly well healed from the surgery at this point. I see the surgeon Friday, and expect to have a prosthesis prescription when I leave her office. Bought some bras with pockets, and the pockets are apparently designed for pouring beans into. The pocket starts at the bottom, of course, and is sewn up onto the strap, where there is about a two inch opening. Hard to put a prosthesis in that small a hole! I need to try on the bras, mark any changes, and send them back for adjustment, including a pocket hole big enough for a prosthesis. I'll probably end up with about 2/3 of the cup having a pocket on the back, which should work.

As I mentioned when I started the drug, I started Tamoxifen at the end of Memorial Day weekend. I have had more hot flashes than before since, and skipped the next period with spotting. Since I'm at that point in perimenopause, I don't know exactly why I skipped; I'm going to ask for hormonal blood tests to see if I am still fertile when I see the GP next week. I rather hope not; it just means hassling with b/c, since I don't think I'm up to bearing another child.

My pain pretty much plods on at the same levels. I wish I could walk. Alyria and I did get summer rec center passes which give us access to the pool; the gimp rate for the summer was pretty decent. I can "walk" to the pool from home, and with a pass, can take just the time I need while I'm there. Now, to get the urge to swim on a day when the pool is available -- today is rainy and cool. Pleasant enough, but not for swimming.

We need new beds. Our bed is just tired and needs replacing. I'm really leaning toward the Sleep Number bed; my folks have one and like it, and the adjustability sounds quite appealing. The kiddo is complaining about her bed -- she has a bunk set and now wants a double bed. I told her that once her Dad is working, we would put it on the list, and in the meantime, I would look for an Aerobed on sale to replace her mattress. We bought her bunk bed set used when she was 4 or 5, so yeah, the mattresses are probably about done. All of us get to wait a while yet, though. The worst part about our bed is that Doug thrashes about at night, and that can cause me pain depending on my position. If I'm not flat and solid on my back, I can feel it quite clearly. There are nights while I'm still up and on the computer and he's not sleeping well when he'll change position, and I will have to bite back a yelp so I don't wake him. Hardly an ideal situation.

SSDI is, of course, still up in the air. I will write a note to take to my doctor asking for the full rundown on my back; all diagnoses and the chronic intractable pain diagnosis, and will send that to the attorney in faint hopes of an administrative decision. Doubt it, but I'll try.

Hubby is getting more involved with the American Welding Society, and is enjoying that. He will finish what he can of school in July, start looking for work, go to an AWS class for a week, and then go to work. He plans to find an employer that will allow him to go back and finish his last few classes during the day at some point so he can get his advanced certificate. We're hopeful he can find a decent-paying job with insurance starting right away; I'm expensive to keep without insurance.

I got to go to the zoo for a few hours on Sunday. Regrettably, it wiped Hubby out. I made him promise not to go out with me, even if I'm cabin crazy, if it will impact him the next morning getting to school or work. Going out helped my mood some; I'm still irritable and cranky.